Are You in a Toxic Relationship?

We all understand the word toxic. It means poisonous. And when a relationship is toxic, it means that the relationship is poisonous to one or both people in it. Poison makes you sick. It may even kill you. In a toxic relationship, you are unsafe. Perhaps you are physically unsafe. Or perhaps you are emotionally, mentally, sexually, financially, or spiritually unsafe.

Recognizing Toxicity in a Relationship

But toxicity in a relationship can be subtle and may, for that reason, go unnoticed for years. Even if it is overt, it is often very difficult to see or believe. Yet, if you have been in a toxic relationship for a long time, you have been affected by it. Perhaps you and the other person in the relationship (who could be a spouse, partner, parent, sibling, coworker, boss, or anyone else with whom you must relate regularly and perhaps intimately) fight frequently, which affects your mental and emotional health. Perhaps you have been made to feel small and inadequate, which, again, affects your mental and emotional health. Perhaps you have been made to believe that all of your perceptions about the other person are incorrect and to believe that you are “crazy,” affecting your mental health. Perhaps you feel tricked or manipulated frequently.

Perhaps the other party in the relationship frequently gives off mixed signals, so that it is very difficult for you to know what to expect, how to read the person, or where you stand in the relationship. Perhaps you have evidence that your partner is cheating on you, but they continually deny it, tell you that they didn’t mean it, or say it didn’t really mean anything—causing you to question your own evidence. Perhaps your financial well-being is being threatened by someone who is slowly and surreptitiously commandeering your finances, which makes you anxious and suspicious, perhaps even depressed and hopeless. Perhaps every time you try to confront the other person you are met with denial, and they turn around the conversation to blame you and accuse you of being “stupid,” “ridiculous,” or “insane.”

Perhaps someone who is supposed to be a spiritual or religious leader is telling you what you should believe and how you should act, instead of helping you explore yourself and your life in ways that make you more conscious or whole. Perhaps you are getting all kinds of mixed messages from that leader that are confounding and yet you are expected to continue to follow. Perhaps you are being sexually abused or have been raped or sexually harassed by the other party in a relationship. Perhaps you are being physically abused—which as it increases over time may even potentiate your death. Perhaps you have become overly anxious, depressed, or even hopeless or suicidal as a result of this toxicity. Perhaps you have even fallen into poor physical health. These are just a few examples of toxicity and its effects.

Very often we do not recognize that we are in a toxic relationship because we simply don’t want to know it. As a therapist, I have often worked with people who will say things like, “But I know that deep down he is really a good person”; “When it is good between us it is really good”; “You just don’t understand how much I love him”; “I just know she wouldn’t do that”; “I don’t know how I will live without her"; “He needs me”; or “I can manage; I’ll be OK.”

The question is, why do we do that?

Mostly it is because we are afraid. We are afraid of disappointing people. We are afraid that we will not be able to make it on our own, either emotionally or financially or both. We might be afraid that we will make the other person in the relationship so angry that they will harm us further in some way.

But very often it is also because this is the only kind of relationship we have ever known. Perhaps we grew up in a home in which the very same kind of toxicity existed. And so, we are unwittingly attracted to and attractive to those people who will treat us the same way. When and if we realize this, we may want to beat ourselves up for not noticing that this was the same pattern. But, with self-empathy, you may come to realize that you simply could not see the pattern because it was so familiar.

What to Do

The best thing to do about most toxic relationships is to get out of them, either by slowly, strategically, and safely extricating and disentangling yourself from its sticky web or by just walking out the door. Sometimes that means looking for and finding another job, finding a safe place to go, getting a divorce, or extracting yourself from your spiritual leadership. If you are a child or adolescent, this may mean finding a safe place to let authorities, teachers, school counselors, other relatives, or Child Protective Services know what you are experiencing.

Sometimes, less commonly, it is possible to heal the relationship by going to a therapist and working together on insight, healthy communication, and/or healthy boundaries. However, if it is seriously affecting you with mental, emotional, or physical problems, this is not likely to work, mostly because the other party is not likely to change.

Relationships Essential Reads

The Situationship Trap: Why We Stay in Almost-Relationships

Do You Hurt Your Partner in Any of These 3 Painful Ways?

If you are being physically or sexually abused, trying to work on the relationship, even with a therapist—except for help to get out of it—is not recommended. Rather, it is time, now, to find a pathway out of this relationship with as much support as you can garner—even if you have to do it surreptitiously, lining up your safe place(s), including a shelter if necessary, and strategically planning for the best and safest way out.

Toxic relationships are a bit like eating a bit of poison every day. You may or may not feel the results today, but it will have a cumulative effect over time and will affect you mentally, emotionally, sexually, financially, spiritually, and/or physically. You deserve better.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.