Responsible Anger

In our world right now, we see many frightening expressions of destructive anger. Perhaps you have felt fear of your own anger. When anger becomes so intense and “hot” that our prefrontal cortex is no longer weighing in, our perspective becomes narrow, we become overwhelmed, and we might become defensive, dissociative, or even aggressive.

Historic conditioning kicks in, and we react. Reacting means we are not responding to the situation in front of us. We might respond with too much force, without accounting for everyone’s needs. We then contribute to a cycle of reactive aggression and escalation. No wonder we can become afraid of anger!

And yet, David Whyte, a renowned poet and philosopher, offers a compelling reframe in his essay on anger (Whyte, 2003): Anger is the “deepest form of compassion” for ourselves, others, and the ideals we cherish. Anger is a signal that our needs are not being met. Anger is fuel to mobilize us and draw our attention to threats. Anger might signal a threat to safety, acceptance, inclusion, fairness, equity, or respect.

A Historical Example of Responsible Anger

The transformative power of anger is vividly illustrated in the life of Leymah Gbowee, a Liberian peace activist. Born into the chaos of Liberia’s civil war, she was forced to live in a violent refugee camp. After enduring an abusive marriage and countless threats to her life and body integrity, Gbowee eventually became a trauma counselor, then a leader of the Liberian Mass Action for Peace. In this movement, both Muslim and Christian women protested alongside each other for days.

At one point, when peace negotiations were stalled, nearly 200 women stormed into the building and formed a human barricade, preventing the men from leaving until they reached a peace agreement. Security tried to arrest Leymah, but she threatened to take off her clothes. According to traditional beliefs, this gesture would have brought a curse upon the men. The men backed off, completed the peace talks, and within weeks, the Liberian war ended. This earned her the Nobel Peace Prize in 2011. Gbowee’s story is a powerful testament to the potential of anger to foster peace and justice.

Responsible Anger

When we respond to anger assertively—honoring both our needs and others’ needs—this responsible expression of anger fuels needed change. Ask yourself: Do you err on the side of either reacting to your anger with inappropriate use of force, or repressing anger until you later explode or experience physical consequences?

Developing Anger Skills

Before an anger episode:

• Develop a policy on anger: How do you want to be in the world when you are feeling angry? How do you respond to anger with the minimum amount of force needed?
• Visualize yourself controlling your anger: Just like an Olympic athlete, imagine yourself achieving your vision. What does it feel like when you respond how you want to?
• Discover your values behind the anger. What has it taught you about what your values are?
• Notice thoughts that can unhelpfully fuel anger, and challenge this thinking ahead of time, especially around others’ intent and motives (Who do they think they are?! What gives them the right?!).
• Develop a somatic awareness of anger. Where does anger live in your body, and what relationship do you have with the physical sensations that accompany anger? Where do you hold it? This will help you become more aware of anger as it arises and give you the ability to slow it down.
• Take a free class, and learn from people who understand the struggle, like veterans.
• Take responsibility for your anger. Research indicates that people who have “anger management problems” often blame external factors, feel threatened when others do not think like them, and attempt to regulate emotions by controlling the environment.

During an anger episode:

• Assess the immediate danger and do what you can to respond to the threat instead of reacting.
• If an immediate, life-saving reaction is not needed, take a time out and calm your nervous system. Ground yourself! (Hint: If you are 8/10 angry or hotter, the only responsible move you have is a time out.)
• During the time out, address thinking that is fueling rage—practice perspective-taking (get help from a reasonable friend if you are stuck). Calm your body through breath and relaxation. Do something soothing (music? reading?) or something you can control (clean or fix something).
• Contact compassion: Acknowledge your own hurt, as well as the hurt of others; recognize that this is a shared human experience.
• Stay humble: Your rights matter; other people’s rights matter. You have the right to be angry. You don’t have the right to hurt others. You have the right to leave a relationship; you don’t have the right to stay and hurt someone. You have the right to make mistakes; others do, too.

Skills for after an anger episode:

• Look underneath your anger for hurt, fear, disappointment, shame, or thwarted longing. Identify what you need, and do what you can to meet that need in a creative way.
• Feel supported by other people. Find allies and environments where you feel like you can express your emotions safely (without harming yourself or others).
• Take meaningful, responsible action in line with your values. Perhaps radical, nonviolent action is needed to bring awareness to your violated values.

Anger Essential Reads

The Art of Surrendering to Your Anger

How to Cope If You're Easily Offended

What Is Your Relationship to Anger?

• Do you enjoy it? Fear it? Hide it? Indulge it?
• What did you learn growing up about anger?
• How can you meet your anger and the anger of those around you with respect and compassion?

Anger, when understood and managed with care, can be a powerful signal of our values and a driver of positive change. Let’s embrace anger as a guardian of our deepest values and use it to energize us towards constructive action.