TheQuietGamer's Profile

Average User Score: 8.1

Jun 30, 2020

6

This is one of the more puzzling films I've seen. I'm honestly not sure what I was supposed to get out of it. Laughter? Quite frankly it's tooThis is one of the more puzzling films I've seen. I'm honestly not sure what I was supposed to get out of it. Laughter? Quite frankly it's too dark for that. This is one of those lopsided rivalry "comedies" where a guy tries and repeatedly fails to get revenge on some alpha male stereotype who caused him harm in the past. The only difference here being that the untouchable jerkwad is the protagonist's old gym teacher, who used to beat the crap out of him back when he was a kid. It's hard to find any amusement in a dynamic like that.

I have nothing against slapstick. Case in point, I consider Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story to be among the funniest movies of all time. People falling down, getting hurt, and generally just beating the crap out of each other can be downright hilarious if done right. However, the way this tries to mine humor out of a grown man physically abusing a bunch of minors never works. Especially since you witness these moments through the main character's PTSD-style flashbacks that carry a bizarrely serious tone for what's supposed to be a lighthearted chucklefest. Also, please keep in mind all of this is coming from a guy who almost busted a gut guffawing at the playground beatdown at the end of Step Brothers.

The only things possibly saving this from being a total failure as a comedy are the few guilty giggles I found near the end of the film and Amy Poehler in a decidedly un-Leslie Knope role. The Parks and Recreation sweetheart shows just as much talent for playing a total scumbag as she does for portraying individuals that are nothing short of utterly affable, making me wish we could see more of that kind of stuff from her. Everything else is tired banged your mom jokes and the aforementioned attempts at making an adult assaulting children from a place of genuine cruelty tickle your funny bone.

So what does that leave? A message? Some kind of morals to be taken away? As to be expected with this kind of premise, the conclusion sees the two leads eventually putting their differences aside and becoming friends or something. Not over finding common ground or anything like that. Instead, Stifler just decides that having an authority figure hit him in the balls for forgetting his cup when he was growing up was actually a good thing because it made him a stronger individual years later, despite all evidence actually pointing to the contrary. That's some shady logic to try and sell to the audience. There's also no reason given as to why Woodcock is the way that he is, so it's impossible to view him as more than a honest-to-goodness piece of crap who deserves some legitimate comeuppance that never arrives. Why should we be willing to accept his life also ended up in a better place by the time the credits rolled?

As much issue as I take with, well, I guess ALL of this, I can't say I wasn't invested. I remained completely engaged in the highly questionable display unfolding before my eyes all the way through, even if it was solely to determine what the intentions of the people behind this were. It's a fascinating watch in a "why did they think this would be funny?" sort of way. Perhaps I'm giving it too much credit for holding my attention, particularly given all my complaining, but there are plenty of better options out there that have failed to do the same so I suppose I'll acknowledge the value in that.… Expand

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Cats

Average User Score: 5.5

May 30, 2020

2

I knew this wasn't going to be good going into it, but I was hoping/expecting it would be the fun kind of bad like The Room or Sharknado. AllI knew this wasn't going to be good going into it, but I was hoping/expecting it would be the fun kind of bad like The Room or Sharknado. All of the promotional material and post-release press painted a picture of this being cinema's next big trashterpiece. While I can see it fitting that bill for some, I personally found it to be too aggressively awful to deliver the kind of ironic entertainment I was looking for.

I had no idea what was going on for the first half of the movie. It's just a string of inconsequential characters being introduced through musical numbers, all but one of which are unintelligible, and not just lyrically. Everybody onscreen does have a powerful voice, but not one of them seems to be able to enunciate. I'm not sure if it's a problem with the audio mixing or what, but I've heard more vocal clarity from mumble rappers. That's a big nail in the coffin for a musical like this.

A plot centered around reincarnation does eventually emerge from all the nonsense. However, that's when the movie goes from being stupefyingly terrible to a total snoozefest. I legitimately struggled to stay awake and came dangerously close to turning the thing off. It was only by sheer willpower and the fact that I had already given up halfway through another film earlier this month that I was able to keep going. The ending is sweet in a sappy sort of way, but nothing leading up to it is interesting.

The CGI cat people are, of course, horrifying. The opening sequence looks like something out of a horror flick and these are the most terrifying dance routines this side of the Suspiria remake. Just when you think things can't get any more disturbing there's some horrific new sight waiting around the next corner, be it the nightmarish rat children or Idris Elba's disgusting unfinished pelt (between this and his old man look in Thor: Ragnarok I no longer find him attractive). Why do they all have human hands?

It's also weirdly sexual. As if Tom Hooper made this for his own enjoyment if you know what I mean. This is especially strange because it appears, at least to me, that the material would have done better had it been aimed at children. Yet, at the end of the day Cats is too inappropriate for the audience it seems most suited for.

Only time will tell if this becomes a cult classic the likes of Birdemic or Troll 2. It seemingly has all the right elements as it's very existence is kind of hilarious. The problem for me was that those laughs weren't found while actually watching the movie. It's far more amusing from the outside because you don't really have to experience how overly long, boring, and uncomfortable it is to sit through. So given how the aforementioned titles have managed to find followings despite their lack of quality because of how much fun they are in the moment with the right mindset, this will always just be little more than a particularly foul turd in the litter box from my viewpoint.

2.6/10… Expand

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Bad Boys for Life

Average User Score: 6.7

May 13, 2020

8

After a four year departure from acting following 2008's Seven Pounds, Will Smith's return to cinema has been plagued by forgettable roles andAfter a four year departure from acting following 2008's Seven Pounds, Will Smith's return to cinema has been plagued by forgettable roles and some of the biggest critical misfires in recent history. He's proven that he still has the star power to put butts in seats most of the time, but the majority of his post-Men in Black 3 work has proven memorable for all the wrong reasons. So what better way to get some of his lost mojo back than by revisiting the film largely responsible for turning him into one of the biggest stars in Hollywood in the first place?

While the absence of Michael Bay in the director's seat can certainly be felt, I was very impressed with how successfully Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah were able to make this feel like a true Bad Boys follow up. They tone down things like the objectification of women and overall more offensive qualities the previous two movies had, while still capturing the same level of vulgarity in the dialog and lack of respect for human life in the insane action sequences. There are even several referential nods made to the franchise's continuity that other revivals of the ilk have not been respectful enough to include. The only thing missing is Gabrielle Union's gorgeous self.

One thing abundantly clear about For Life is that it's not meant to be a conclusion to anything, but rather the beginning of something larger. Some lengths were went through to establish a team of younger agents clearly intended to carry future installments forward when Smith and Lawrence are finally ready to hang up their badges. None of whom have shown charismatic enough in the past to fill those massive shoes, with the exception being maybe Charles Melton. While I kind of miss the days where I could watch a blockbuster without having to sit through it setting up an infinite number of sequels in the process, I'd say the biggest complaints people would likely have with the movie are its somewhat unfocused nature in the early half and just how ludicrous it all gets. The finale is downright Fast & Furious levels of bonkers. It's entertaining, but paints a questionable picture for what comes next as I have a hard time believing logic and reality will not end up only getting further thrown out the window. Anchoring everything though are the two leads who slip back into their brotherly bickering with ease. They kept me watching and laughing during those random scenes in the first portion of the film that didn't contribute to the overall plot at all. This isn't just a return to former quality for Smith, but Martin Lawrence as well. So many of his solo outings have been, well, terrible because he's tried to mimic the coolness and character acting of Eddie Murphy. Something he has simply never had the swagger for. Here he's just a henpecked dork and it fits him so well. I was instantly reminded why I've liked him more in these films than really anything else he's ever been in. This is more than just another ressurection of a dormant property to see how much money there's left to be squeezed out of it. While it is designed with the hopes of profiting off of further continuations that's not the only reason it exists. It was also made with the genuine intention of giving fans of Bay's buddy cop series more Bad Boys, and not in a cheesy, pandering way that plays solely on nostalgia. It's the true third chapter many of us have been waiting on and the best movie most of its cast have been apart of in quite some time.

8.4/10… Expand

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Bloodshot

Average User Score: 5.1

May 11, 2020

7

Because the decision was made to reveal Bloodshot's main story hook in the trailer all the movie really has to go on are its visuals as weBecause the decision was made to reveal Bloodshot's main story hook in the trailer all the movie really has to go on are its visuals as we basically know how everything is going to play out ahead of time. Luckily they are up to the task. First time director David Wilson had previously done a lot visual effects work for various video game related projects and even Age of Ultron. Everything looks absolutely fantastic and hyper-stylised as a result. Witnessing Vin Diesel have body parts blown off and reform in a cloud of nanites never gets old. A good thing too as this hero is entirely defined by his powers in this first outing.

In a detrimental move the film is so focused on the action at hand that we never get to learn who Ray Garrison is as a person. As the intended starting point for a new cinematic universe, this shows a troubling lack of insight as to what led to the MCU's near instantaneous success. It wasn't the pre-existing popularity of the characters being adapted that captured everyone's enthusiasm, but rather the fact that we all felt like we got to know Iron Man when he first popped onto the scene back in 2008. So little was revealed about anyone in this movie that I don't even have a clue as to what they're plans for the rest of their lives looked like after they drove off into the sunset.

Some goofs were made that will make it harder for people to connect with the world that's being established here going forward. Although, as someone completely unfamiliar with Valiant Comics this was a decent enough effort to pique my curiosity. These superheroes were clearly envisioned with unique ideas for powers and the content is far edgier than the majority of its contemporaries outside of Deadpool and maybe Harley Quinn (haven't seen that one yet). Some improvements will definitely need to be made in future installments should this universe be able get off the ground, but for all its faults it's the start of something new and that's pretty exciting.… Expand

1 of 1 users found this helpful

DOA: Dead or Alive

Average User Score: 7.7

May 10, 2020

4

Tries to distract you from its sloppy action and bad acting with T 'n' A. While a defining aspect of the Dead or Alive games has always beenTries to distract you from its sloppy action and bad acting with T 'n' A. While a defining aspect of the Dead or Alive games has always been how sexualized their fighters are, the series has survived on more than just jiggle physics alone. The developers at Team Ninja crafted a genuinely competitive and high-quality battle system that has allowed the franchise to remain one of the most notable names in the genre for years. This film adaptation fails to capture the same thrill of combat however, as the actors seem to have been selected based on their looks and willingness to show some skin as opposed to having any actual skill in martial arts.

Leaning more heavily on the sex appeal to try and cover this up wasn't necessarily a bad idea, but there's only so much tantalizing you can do with a PG-13 rating and panning shots over women in swimsuits aren't enough to draw attention away from the flaws when they're this glaring. It fails at being a successful homage to Hong Kong action cinema as I was more interested in a single volleyball sequence that served as a nice reference to Tecmo's pervier spin-off titles than I was in any of the shoddy displays of wire fu. Then there's the story and tone to think about...

The plot is about as predictable as you can get. A bunch of competitors get invited to an island tournament and, big surprise, the rich dude throwing it together exploits them for his own ulterior (and incredibly obvious) motives. There are several supporting narratives running alongside this that only serve to muddy things up to the point where it actually feels like there's too much going on and never end up going anywhere interesting. Like, did any time seriously need to be dedicated to watching Zack sexually harass Tina Armstrong? I think not.

As often as ridiculousness can be a bad movie's best friend by allowing them to become something stupidly fun, there are plenty in the same vein as this one that go too far with it and look even dorkier than they otherwise would have. The film immediately opens over a terrible CGI palace in what appears to be feudalistic Japan where Devon Aoki is giving a horrendous performance before literally flying over it's walls and revealing she has some kind of futuristic hang glider backpack hidden under her kimono. It's an incredibly jarring way to start things off and to its fault doesn't get any less absurd or goofy from there.

Despite all that's wrong with it I can't not give DOA credit for having all female leads. This is far from the height of feminism, but it at least lets the women be strong AND sexy while carrying a style of film usually headlined by men. Sadly, it isn't steamy or well-choreographed enough to act as a good vehicle for them, lagging behind the likes of Lara Croft and Resident Evil to a staggering degree. Not just on the empowerment front, but as a representation of video games onscreen as well. Plus, those films even did a better job of serving their intended purpose of arousing the excitement of teenage boys with more impressive displays of flesh and violence. All that's left for this to offer is disappointment.

4.3/10… Expand

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The Angry Birds Movie 2

Average User Score: 6.8

Apr 16, 2020

6

There are seemingly two major kinds of animated movies; those that are concerned with telling a good story, and those that just want to makeThere are seemingly two major kinds of animated movies; those that are concerned with telling a good story, and those that just want to make people laugh at ridiculous humor. Angry Birds 2 is most definitely the latter. In fact, it's so light on plot that they had to splice in cutaways to what is essentially an animated short in order to reach feature length.

The majority of the returning side-characters are given so little to do that the only reason I can think of as to why they were brought back is because they had significant roles in the first one, and the new additions, villainous or otherwise, fail to make much of an impression. As a result, Red and his love interest Silver are the only ones who feel important in any way, shape, or form. They're at least given something of an arc to grow and learn from while the rest just act goofy or stupid the entire time.

None of this matters too much though as children's films like this tend to live or die by how funny they are, rather than things like the actual quality of the writing. I doubt there's a kid alive that wouldn't find this absolutely hilarious. So it has its target audience in the bag. Adults on the other hand will likely struggle with just how irreverent it all is. For example, during a speed dating event one of the main trio boldly declares to a potential partner that he "eats dirt." He then proceeds to open his mouth and sure enough it's full of dirt. That's a little too dumb for my blood. Plus, for the life of me I'll never understand how men in thongs and just butts in general have become the height of prepubescent comedy. That kind of stuff didn't make me laugh back in the day and it doesn't get to me now.

As hit or miss as it may be the older you get, it's still guaranteed to tickle your funny bone at some point or another. That's because Angry Birds 2 covers a wide array of humor in an effort to fill every single second with a joke of some kind. The entire stretch with the eagle disguise is nothing short of pure gold and had me guffawing to the point where I could barely breathe. I also caught myself cracking up every now and then at the occasional clever one-liner or bit of slapstick.

A truly great animated film would leave you gawking at the beauty of its animation, rolling on the floor at it's comedy, and pondering over the complexities of its narrative. However, Angry Birds 2 shows that two out of three ain't bad. Particularly as far as the youngsters are concerned. This isn't Pixar so I can't recommend that anyone with a driver's license watch it on their own, but if you get pulled into it for a family movie night or something it is sporadically amusing. There's just not enough here to truly engage you.… Expand

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Walking Tall

Average User Score: 7.2

Apr 9, 2020

7

Schlock and seriousness combine in what was only The Rock's third starring role. As odd as it can be at times to go from some Johnny KnoxvilleSchlock and seriousness combine in what was only The Rock's third starring role. As odd as it can be at times to go from some Johnny Knoxville related antics to something legitimately dark happening, I'd say Walking Tall balances the two tones well. So much so that I had a harder time swallowing the protagonist's overly aggressive approach more than anything.

Violence was always going to be the outcome of this conflict. It was simply unavoidable. That being said, I can't help but feel like a lot of the bloodshed and family endangerment could have been avoided had the main character not have immediately gone all gung-ho at the first sign of corruption in his hometown. The majority of the carnage was a result of his own antagonistic behavior. If it had been anyone other than Johnson onscreen, I might have been mad.

Is it any wonder why we fell in love with this guy? He's one of those rare stars that can be larger than life, but still come off as a hardworking everyman. I can't think of any other film he's been in that's capitalised on that the way this one has. Here he's just your typical small town guy that played football in highschool, is close with his family, and left to join the army. The guy played an average joe with ease while still delivering superhuman level beatdowns. You can't tell me he isn't the full package.

The action is surprisingly brutal. None of it is terribly explicit, but whether it's happening onscreen or not moments like a man getting held down and sliced open with a box cutter can still be felt by the audience. Plus, there's still plenty that occurs right before your eyes. The movie has no problem showing things like the mangled aftermath of a freshly broken limb.

A lot of this is still escapist fun. It wants you to ogle half-naked ladies, have a laugh at Knoxville being a goof, and cheer as despicable villains meet the receiving end of a 4x4. It just carries the occasional, unexpected gutpunch the likes of which we don't typically see from a Dwayne Johnson flick. Which may be why it's one of his best.

7.5/10… Expand

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Dead Trigger

Average User Score: tbd

Apr 7, 2020

3

This is the laziest thing I've ever seen. Not only is it about as generic as a zombie flick can get, but you can tell nobody involved caredThis is the laziest thing I've ever seen. Not only is it about as generic as a zombie flick can get, but you can tell nobody involved cared enough to put any real effort into it. The entire cast gives unenthusiastic, "just here for the money" performances and the directors couldn't be bothered to do anything more than throw the scenes onscreen in the most perfunctory ways possible. Case in point, one of the biggest plot threads in the movie is that the government is recruiting teenagers who are good at video games to combat the infected (which is stupid). In the instances where one of these characters is supposed to be gaming all we get is a shot of them sitting completely still while wearing a VR headset. They don't even hold a controller.

The action is also half-heartedly executed. It's a loop of the actors aimlessly pointing automatic weapons at groups of the undead that don't always react to getting riddled with bullets. Occasionally someone will break out a machete or something, but the first time it happens you realize that the film doesn't adhere to the cardinal rule of zombie cinema; brain destruction being the only thing that can stop a reanimated corpse.

I could go on and on about all the things this movie does wrong, like how dumb the barely existent storyline is or the ending not making any sense at all, but what really bothers me about the whole thing is that they simply didn't try. The filmmakers weren't inept at their job. Rather everyone attached to the project was only interested in the paycheck and wanted to exert themselves as little as possible while making it. So what we ended up with was a slapped together final product clearly devoid of passion. Which to me is far more offensive than if it had just been bad.

3.7/10… Expand

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Uncut Gems

Average User Score: 7.2

Mar 28, 2020

9

Adam Sandler finally has a movie to compete with Punch-Drunk Love. This is essentially the story of one man's self-destructive downwardAdam Sandler finally has a movie to compete with Punch-Drunk Love. This is essentially the story of one man's self-destructive downward spiral. Our lead starts things off in an already bad position and the situation only gets worse for him from there. At first you think he's just an unlucky idiot, but as the film progresses you realize that he's making these bad decisions on purpose and intentionally digging himself into a deeper hole. All because he believes that if he just keeps on digging he'll eventually break through to the other side and come out on top with the ultimate win. The man has a genuine sickness.

Yet, despite all of this he's actually kind of likable. Maybe it's just because of Sandler, but even at his loudest and most obnoxious (there's a lot of yelling in this) I couldn't help but root for the guy. I wanted to see him succeed and find a way out of this mess. Which is what made it so compelling to keep watching in spite of all the frustration that arose from seeing the character acquire a means of walking away and refusing to use it.

Of course it also helps that it's stylish as heck. With its synth-soundtrack and occasionally psychedelic 35mm visuals, this a treat for both the eyes and the ears. It kind of reminds me of Nightcrawler in that everything looks grainy, yet gorgeous like a sleazy '80s flick. The whole thing feels so much grittier because of it.

What's crazy is that this does so many of the same things we criticize some of the most notoriously bad movies for, like having needless subplots that don't go anywhere. For example the film opens with Sandler getting a colonoscopy. Presumably so that at some point it can be revealed he has cancer on top of everything else going on. But when the doctor does finally call him with the results around an hour or so later into the running-time he tells him that everything's fine and it's never brought up again. What was the point of that? We also learn that the protagonist owes money to a second dude that he tries to pay off with a fake Rolex. The guy shows up again in a few other scenes to get some form of actual payment, but he just gets ignored and I'm left wondering why he's even in this at all.

However, where that sort of thing doesn't work in other movies, here it does. That's because the Safdie brothers are just that talented as directors. The way the danger builds to an unforgettable finale where what would normally be a tension free event becomes a teeth-clenching, seat-gripping nightmare of anticipation makes Uncut Gems darn near a masterpiece. To the point where after having just finished it I immediately thought about watching it again.… Expand

2 of 3 users found this helpful

Jumanji: The Next Level

Average User Score: 6.4

Mar 26, 2020

7

Much better than I expected such a quickly released sequel to be. Especially one that looked like it wasn't going to be much more than aMuch better than I expected such a quickly released sequel to be. Especially one that looked like it wasn't going to be much more than a cash-grabbing retread of the original. While it is certainly familiar, The Next Level is actually a minor improvement on its predecessor with everybody's shtick being a bit funnier this time around. Watching Hart and Johnson play old men never gets old, Jack Black proves once again to be one the best character actors out there right now, and Awkwafina almost gives him a run for his money with her dual performance. Even Karen Gillan who is largely stuck in the same role as last time gets a brief moment to embody a different persona, which she does impressively.

The action set-pieces are also more exciting and memorable. While I'll only ever remember Welcome to the Jungle for its jokes, sequences here like the one where the cast dodge mandrills while jumping across moving rope bridges will stick in my mind just as strongly as any of the laughs. The themes of friendship and self-acceptance play out noticeably sweeter as well.

The flaws are the same as before. Namely, not every gag or one-liner landing and it being kind of hard to pinpoint the target audience as far as age range goes. The comedy still varies wildly in terms of maturity. There are some moments clearly aimed at young children and others where the humor is so raunchy it seems only acceptable for older teenagers and adults. Because of this it kind of falls into a weird area where it's not going to be the most appropriate or comfortable choice for everyone's family movie night.

Yet, I can't deny that it's a lot of fun. It never tries to go bigger than the 2017's Jumanji. Instead it introduces a few amusing new twists and some subtle refinements while saving the big changes for what looks to be a pretty interesting third (technically fourth) chapter. It's a better sequel because of that.

7.9/10… Expand

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TheQuietGamer

MY SCORES