They're All Wasted!
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By Joe R
| Season 5 |
Episode 12 |
Aired on 2006.03.07
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Of course, the judging is Pickler's time to shine. Randy says he digs her because she has a dog. Lame. Kellie responds as she always does, which is with this wide-eyed gratefulness that these fine California city slickers would even talk to her at all. Randy says she's been "consistent" so far (that's one way of putting it, yes), but he doesn't seem to get that this week she made a big leap forward. Or else maybe he's just not willing to say that they've been shining her on up until this point because they know mad people are voting for her anyway, and they don't want to look out of synch. Paula's impressed with the sexy dancing, and Kellie says she's been practicing. Paula says guys -- particularly her own nephews -- are in love with Kellie, who remains confounded by each and every thing she comes across on this here planet. Suddenly, I don't even think it's the country mouse in the big city thing. I'm starting to envision her at home in Albemarle, sitting at the breakfast table going, "Waffles! I'll be darned. Thank you, Grandpa!" Ooh! Here's where it gets awesome. Simon, verbatim: "Kellie, you are what's known as a naughty little minx." First off, too Uncle Inappropriate by half, not that Kellie -- who, you'll recall, dropped to her knees during the performance -- isn't emblematic of it. But this is Talking Pickler, as opposed to Singing Pickler. Calling Talking Pickler a naughty little minx weirds me out a little. Even Paula doesn't call Will a hot piece of ass, you know? Ew. But so Kellie hasn't the first clue. "A naughty what?" Then? Then?? "What's a mink?" Miss Kellie Pickler, ladies and gentlemen. I no longer care if it's fake. I don't. If it's fake, then she's got wicked comic timing. If it's real, then even better. Simon explains that she's a "nice bad girl," while Paula brings up the "calamari" thing, because everybody's working off the same script here. Simon continues that while Kellie isn't the best singer (Kellie: "Thanks!"), she's obviously likeable to a whole lot of people, including him. Then he says he prefers Kellie to "last year's winner." Whoa. Jesus, take my drink, because that is outrageous. It's not even like Simon disliked Carrie. Though to be fair, he was the one constantly on her about being too dowdy and robotic, right? Still, that comment was too much. There's a point where the hyperbole is just standing there, exposed for everyone to see, and that's never pretty.
Ryan hops up onto the stage, and we're running out of time, which is too bad because he really wants to get into the "naughty minx" part. Particularly, he wants to explain to Kellie that it's a compliment. Mostly. "Oh, good," says Kellie. "I'm a mink!" Jesus. So good. Ryan's like, "Minx. You kind of don't want to be a mink, because…" and then we're spared Ryan having to explain the finer points of PETA to Kellie, which is a shame, because can you even imagine? The judges are laughing their asses off at this point, as am I. Ryan's under a huge time crunch, so he shoots out Kellie's phone numbers, but he has to ask her about one last thing. "What did you have for lunch this week? Didn't you have a new fish that you've never had before?" "Yeah," says Kellie, "I had a salmon." Rhymes with "mail bin," people. Ryan, quicker than lightning, turns from Kellie to the camera and goes, "Yup." Hands down the funniest thing I've ever seen Seacrest do, ever. Bravo to everyone involved, that was brilliant. Ryan kicks us to the wrap-up, giggling like the awesome little girl he is.
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